"We have zero tolerance for bullying and we take it very seriously." This is a common sentiment of families and school staff these days.
What is bullying? There is no easy answer. According to Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert it can be intentional or unintentional acts. Most experts agree that bullying involves acts that are repeated, intentional, and cause harm (Center for Disease Control, n.d; American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 2008). Bullying can be physical (hitting, getting too close), verbal (name calling, rude jokes, teasing), or relational (telling others not to play with a child, whispering,pretending to be a friend then using information shared during friendship to hurt that person). Most bullying occurs when another person believes that someone else is weaker, less attractive, not cool, or unlikely to defend themselves (Perkins, n.d). Further confusing the issue is we find that people who are "friends" use the relationship to bully.
Bullying takes place everywhere. It happens in schools, churches, PTA, sororities and many other organizations. I was recently called into a situation to help create a behavior intervention plan for a child accused of "bullying." Since the school had a zero tolerance policy for bullying it wanted to have documentation that they had exhausted every avenue before seeking more punitive measures for addressing the behaviors. I gathered a great deal of research, interviewed and made a few observations. Those observations led to this post. What I found was that this child was labeled a "bully" inappropriately because the teachers, parents and students picked up the trend of using the term for any mean behavior. What we found was that the child was being mean, not on a regular basis to any particular persons, but had difficulties socializing in general. We also found that this student was the victim of "bullying" and because the child had the label "bully" no one cared.
I am also aware of adult bullying in schools. There is little to research on this topic, however,in schools adults bully everyday. I have interviewed several teachers that have had to leave schools because other teachers did not like them coming to school especially early or staying later to prepare for the day or accommodate families. These teachers expressed feelings of depression and isolation from other teachers. Other teachers were indifferent, whispered, refused to include and flat out discouraged some teachers from "doing more than what their contract required."
We all know about other types of adult bullying as well. There is usually a strong group of parents on each school campus that believes they invented volunteerism. They tend to be mothers & fathers who have extremely flexible schedules and instead of attending private schools have decided to keep a close eye on their children's schools. These parents travel in bunches. They text one another, invite each other to events and dictate to others how they may get involved. These parents isolate other parents, whisper about how un-involved others seem, and use their influence to ensure that their children get the best. These bullies have a close relationship with the principal and often make comments like "I haven't seen you or won't say anything at all." When others are around these individuals they feel isolated and judged. Know anyone like this?
Teachers bully parents and parents bully teachers. So how can we help our youth learn not to bully when the school culture has espoused acts of bullying? It is my belief that adults may want to invite peer review of their own behaviors before trying to convince children that bullying is wrong. After all, children do a much better at copying behavior than listening to lectures.
This was a recent conversation I had with a teacher. "Today I witnessed a girl tell another girl that if she did a certain thing she was going to slap her. Later that day the two children had a disagreement and the girl slapped the other girl." My questions to the students and staff were: had these two children had conflict prior? Had the child threatened the other before? Is the child who threatened older? bigger? a more popular kid? The answer to all of these questions were no. In my professional opinion, this child was threatening another child and was mean. This child deserved consequences for such actions. This child was not a "bully" based on the behaviors and context described to me.
I insist that we use the correct terminology and avoid mis-labeling children. Children are already diagnosed inappropriately each day by family members and teachers, who lack a medical or a psychological degree or background, with disorders like hyperactivity, attention deficit and bi-polar disease. Let us start by first using the term bullying sparingly.
What can we do about bullying? It is the summer time and I am a positivist. I believe that instead of trying to control something we cannot, we control what we can. Take this summer and every opportunity to bully-proof your child. Some research says that kids who are bullied have some common characteristics: parents who are overprotective, a perception that the adults around won't do anything, unlikely to defend themselves, low-self esteem, and anxious. These are all things families can address.
Start with you. Give your child some autonomy. Allow them to see the link between their actions and their outcomes. Good or bad, it is an empowering process. Boost your child's esteem. Do you know your child's strengths? Their learning styles and talents? A great resource for learning to utilize your child's strengths is Jennifer Fox's, Knowing your child's strengths. Teach your child to articulate what they are good at and what makes them feel stronger. Get them into activities that allow them to utilize their strengths.
Work on your child's esteem. If your child hears you call them names, then when others call them names, it seems like it must be true. Be careful what you say and how you say it. Realize that in a typical school day, they have had a few run ins with adults and other students that aren't always positive. Our kids really have a hard time socializing in schools. Let's help them. I recommend a book called Little girls can be mean by Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert. It is a workbook that prepares girls for life.
Take as many encounters as possible to tell your children how smart, beautiful/handsome, kind, intelligent, gifted, and special they are to you. Research after research suggest spending quality time to authentically connect with your children prevents many ills. Listen. Respond with empathy. Hug them.
Role-play common scenarios with your child. Teach them ways to use humor, redirection and just good manners when someone is being rude or mean. American Girl has created some of the best guides for girl's I've seen. I would like to see more for boys since boy bullying is a huge problem as well. The American Girl's guide to friendships offer reader-friendly and humorous scenarios based on real-life that teaches girls how to respond to a variety of situations. I especially like that it puts a finger on the covert meanness of "friends."
Be clear with your language. Distinguish for your children acts of meanness, a threat and bullying. Avoid using them like synonyms. A great tool for helping kids and families learn more about bullying in a fun and age appropriate manner is a site created by the National Institute of Health (http://facts.pppst.com/bullying.html). There are great child-friendly PowerPoint's and even a sixth grade curriculum.
I sincerely believe that children who feel great about themselves will be less likely to become a victim. Children who feel good about themselves think something is wrong with a person who bullies, as opposed to something being wrong with them. Children who know their strengths can easily identify the strengths in others as well.
Lastly, think about the kids who are mean and bullying. They are people too. One should not assume that their parents do not care. Most parents would be mortified to learn that their child is being hurtful to another child. In rare instances where a family seems uninterested that their child is hurting caution yourself. Children with mis-behaviors have years and years of negative cycles. Many parents cannot find help for children who misbehave. So what you may be seeing is a parent's frustration and ultimately giving up on finding help.
Do a little research. Most organizations dismiss children, as early as 2 years of age, with behaviors as opposed to ever treating them or supporting the families with tools. Research further and you find there are very poor if any mental health services for families. If my child mis-behaves and I call a certain company that provides health insurance and starts with the letter K, I would learn they do not offer preventative counseling. The child would need a diagnosis or have done something extreme. Isn't that too late? These parents experience great amounts of stress and depression. If you choose to approach a family regarding bullying, approach with compassion and care. If you cannot approach in a manner that postulates a need to work together then you may do more harm than good.
You may think, well it isn't my problem but it is a problem we all need to come together to address.
Chime in, what else can we do to bully-proof our kids?
What is bullying? There is no easy answer. According to Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert it can be intentional or unintentional acts. Most experts agree that bullying involves acts that are repeated, intentional, and cause harm (Center for Disease Control, n.d; American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 2008). Bullying can be physical (hitting, getting too close), verbal (name calling, rude jokes, teasing), or relational (telling others not to play with a child, whispering,pretending to be a friend then using information shared during friendship to hurt that person). Most bullying occurs when another person believes that someone else is weaker, less attractive, not cool, or unlikely to defend themselves (Perkins, n.d). Further confusing the issue is we find that people who are "friends" use the relationship to bully.
Bullying takes place everywhere. It happens in schools, churches, PTA, sororities and many other organizations. I was recently called into a situation to help create a behavior intervention plan for a child accused of "bullying." Since the school had a zero tolerance policy for bullying it wanted to have documentation that they had exhausted every avenue before seeking more punitive measures for addressing the behaviors. I gathered a great deal of research, interviewed and made a few observations. Those observations led to this post. What I found was that this child was labeled a "bully" inappropriately because the teachers, parents and students picked up the trend of using the term for any mean behavior. What we found was that the child was being mean, not on a regular basis to any particular persons, but had difficulties socializing in general. We also found that this student was the victim of "bullying" and because the child had the label "bully" no one cared.
I am also aware of adult bullying in schools. There is little to research on this topic, however,in schools adults bully everyday. I have interviewed several teachers that have had to leave schools because other teachers did not like them coming to school especially early or staying later to prepare for the day or accommodate families. These teachers expressed feelings of depression and isolation from other teachers. Other teachers were indifferent, whispered, refused to include and flat out discouraged some teachers from "doing more than what their contract required."
We all know about other types of adult bullying as well. There is usually a strong group of parents on each school campus that believes they invented volunteerism. They tend to be mothers & fathers who have extremely flexible schedules and instead of attending private schools have decided to keep a close eye on their children's schools. These parents travel in bunches. They text one another, invite each other to events and dictate to others how they may get involved. These parents isolate other parents, whisper about how un-involved others seem, and use their influence to ensure that their children get the best. These bullies have a close relationship with the principal and often make comments like "I haven't seen you or won't say anything at all." When others are around these individuals they feel isolated and judged. Know anyone like this?
Teachers bully parents and parents bully teachers. So how can we help our youth learn not to bully when the school culture has espoused acts of bullying? It is my belief that adults may want to invite peer review of their own behaviors before trying to convince children that bullying is wrong. After all, children do a much better at copying behavior than listening to lectures.
This was a recent conversation I had with a teacher. "Today I witnessed a girl tell another girl that if she did a certain thing she was going to slap her. Later that day the two children had a disagreement and the girl slapped the other girl." My questions to the students and staff were: had these two children had conflict prior? Had the child threatened the other before? Is the child who threatened older? bigger? a more popular kid? The answer to all of these questions were no. In my professional opinion, this child was threatening another child and was mean. This child deserved consequences for such actions. This child was not a "bully" based on the behaviors and context described to me.
I insist that we use the correct terminology and avoid mis-labeling children. Children are already diagnosed inappropriately each day by family members and teachers, who lack a medical or a psychological degree or background, with disorders like hyperactivity, attention deficit and bi-polar disease. Let us start by first using the term bullying sparingly.
What can we do about bullying? It is the summer time and I am a positivist. I believe that instead of trying to control something we cannot, we control what we can. Take this summer and every opportunity to bully-proof your child. Some research says that kids who are bullied have some common characteristics: parents who are overprotective, a perception that the adults around won't do anything, unlikely to defend themselves, low-self esteem, and anxious. These are all things families can address.
Start with you. Give your child some autonomy. Allow them to see the link between their actions and their outcomes. Good or bad, it is an empowering process. Boost your child's esteem. Do you know your child's strengths? Their learning styles and talents? A great resource for learning to utilize your child's strengths is Jennifer Fox's, Knowing your child's strengths. Teach your child to articulate what they are good at and what makes them feel stronger. Get them into activities that allow them to utilize their strengths.
Work on your child's esteem. If your child hears you call them names, then when others call them names, it seems like it must be true. Be careful what you say and how you say it. Realize that in a typical school day, they have had a few run ins with adults and other students that aren't always positive. Our kids really have a hard time socializing in schools. Let's help them. I recommend a book called Little girls can be mean by Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert. It is a workbook that prepares girls for life.
Take as many encounters as possible to tell your children how smart, beautiful/handsome, kind, intelligent, gifted, and special they are to you. Research after research suggest spending quality time to authentically connect with your children prevents many ills. Listen. Respond with empathy. Hug them.
Role-play common scenarios with your child. Teach them ways to use humor, redirection and just good manners when someone is being rude or mean. American Girl has created some of the best guides for girl's I've seen. I would like to see more for boys since boy bullying is a huge problem as well. The American Girl's guide to friendships offer reader-friendly and humorous scenarios based on real-life that teaches girls how to respond to a variety of situations. I especially like that it puts a finger on the covert meanness of "friends."
Be clear with your language. Distinguish for your children acts of meanness, a threat and bullying. Avoid using them like synonyms. A great tool for helping kids and families learn more about bullying in a fun and age appropriate manner is a site created by the National Institute of Health (http://facts.pppst.com/bullying.html). There are great child-friendly PowerPoint's and even a sixth grade curriculum.
I sincerely believe that children who feel great about themselves will be less likely to become a victim. Children who feel good about themselves think something is wrong with a person who bullies, as opposed to something being wrong with them. Children who know their strengths can easily identify the strengths in others as well.
Lastly, think about the kids who are mean and bullying. They are people too. One should not assume that their parents do not care. Most parents would be mortified to learn that their child is being hurtful to another child. In rare instances where a family seems uninterested that their child is hurting caution yourself. Children with mis-behaviors have years and years of negative cycles. Many parents cannot find help for children who misbehave. So what you may be seeing is a parent's frustration and ultimately giving up on finding help.
Do a little research. Most organizations dismiss children, as early as 2 years of age, with behaviors as opposed to ever treating them or supporting the families with tools. Research further and you find there are very poor if any mental health services for families. If my child mis-behaves and I call a certain company that provides health insurance and starts with the letter K, I would learn they do not offer preventative counseling. The child would need a diagnosis or have done something extreme. Isn't that too late? These parents experience great amounts of stress and depression. If you choose to approach a family regarding bullying, approach with compassion and care. If you cannot approach in a manner that postulates a need to work together then you may do more harm than good.
You may think, well it isn't my problem but it is a problem we all need to come together to address.
Chime in, what else can we do to bully-proof our kids?
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